We are less than 20 days from wheels up and leaving on jet plane to Winston Salem, NC from 3 years of living in Belize. And it’s not just the actual living that we recall and count it’s the dreaming as well. Long before we were living in Belize, we were dreaming. Since 2007 we were dreaming of what it would be like to be missionaries, to live in a foreign culture, to live and serve here in Belize. For Amy it’s been much much longer…ever since she was in high school the Lord has placed a call on her heart for international missions. She always thought Russia (way too cold for me) but for us, for our lives since 2007 the call has been Belize.
So we have lived here, we have served here, we have been Belizean and now in less than 20 days we are flying out of here. We are packing bags, selling furniture, and preparing our hearts the best we can for the big move.
“So how’s all the preparation for moving coming?” – that’s the common question in our life from just about everyone. The truth is the physical preparation is going well. We have a good plan for packing up stuff, cancelling utilities, setting up the house in the US. Physically I would say that we are ready or on track to be ready.
Mentally? Emotionally? That may be another story.
Yesterday I was chatting with David, one of my co-workers and he asked how things were going and my answer was: “Well I just finished full-body sobs, so there’s that.” He asked well I hope those were tears of joy…I laughed and simply said, “Nope.”
The truth is I am in mourning. We are in mourning. I am mourning leaving our life here. As I type that last sentence, tears are welling up in my eyes. The rest of this post is just therapeutic and helping me get out as I type how I am feeling about moving from Belize.
Sad – The truth is I am so sad. I am so sad, so very sad to leave Belize. There I sad it. I think yesterday with Amy was the first time that I actually admitted that to Amy. We know that we are going into God’s calling but I am still sad. I am going to so miss Bella, Christopher, Star, Evelyn, Jose coming over. I am going to miss listening to my kids play outside in the dirt, sing Bible school type songs. I am going to miss hearing both Madeline and Jojo speak in Thick Kriol. I am going to miss stupid stuff like getting waters and talking basketball with the guys outside of the store. I am going to miss trying to negotiate free parking from the lady at the airport as I pick up staff and teams. I am going to miss staff dinner….oh how I am going to miss staff dinner. I am going to miss our table full of people who love the Lord, and love our family. I am going to miss the noise, the activity, and even the barking dogs that are around our house. These sounds, while frustrating at times, are comfortable. They are what we know. They are what I know. Does this even make sense?? I am going to miss the rain as it comes and blows a gentle breeze in our house when it’s too hot. I am going to miss great bananas, green oranges, plantain chips. I am going to miss LIVING in Belize. Of course I will be back and several times a year at that. But I am going to miss LIVING here.
The People – I can’t even begin to process what it means NOT to be able to drive 45 minutes to go have tacos with Pastor Ed whenever I want. Or to sit in Paula’s living room as her mom tells stories of miracles at a mile a minute in a way that only she can tell. I am going to miss hearing Pastor Mark get fired up preaching with his fire. Or pastor pop and hanging with him in Silver Creek, or Pastor Rosaura and her POWER and HUMILITY. Or Pastor Transito and his meekness. Or talking and playing ball with Herman, Gabe. Or just being around and with people like Burton, Lorelee, Eustace. I am going to miss Joyce from Global telling me hi in broken english and then just smiling a confused but somehow joyful smile. Oh I am going to miss the people, the principals, the teachers, the leaders….and the kids. The kids that stole my heart in 2007 in Santa Clara as my friend Tony taught me how to do brown squirrel and baby shark. I am going to miss all the kids at our church, at all the churches I have served, at all the orphanges all the schools. I am going to miss hugs from strangers and tickle-fights. I am going to miss speaking in bad kriol and having the kids of Belize laugh at me. Oh God I am going to miss these people.
How I am feeling? Here’s the truly honest answer. I have no freaking clue. I am feeling so incredibly sad, so dumb for being so sad, so frustrated for feeling that going to the States is HARDER than being in Belize. I feel like there aren’t many people to understand how I feel.
You call it sin, I’ll call it an error in judgement – Martin Luther grace reigns over all, constantly, including your dualistic conflicted self, which you’ll have until the day you die seeing that in yourself, will give you grace toward others, and mold you into an even greater servant leader, praise God.
invite God into this transition into summer (10 minutes). And just sit. And listen to Him…..until you feel like He’s said what He needs to say to you. And He does have a message for you. Always. He’s always speaking to us.Finally, know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can’t screw this up. And if you currently have this fear (we all do from time to time), you’re dealing with pride and a lack of faith. Name it, rebuke it, and know that faith in the name of Jesus truly does drive out all fear.A beautiful season is ahead. Embrace what’s coming. God is on the move.